Cardinal Collection

A danger to himself and others is what I was deemed. Sitting on my twin sized mattress that’s placed on the floor tucked into the corner of my room. I received the news that I was unfit for society. How could one be unfit to live within society if they don’t want to live at all? I supposed that’s why I’m being sent away, I’ve gotten past the point of saving it’d be easier for everyone to send me away. I don’t blame them, it was under my therapist’s order, who I asked to see. I didn’t think it would land me in an ER hospital room at the age of 13 being checked in for psychosis and homicidal thoughts, but here we are. Children have very big imaginations, some imagine far away lands where everything is made of cotton candy and they get to play with unicorns everyday, then you have kids like me. The kid who’s imagination tries to get them to do the unthinkable and the kid who feels like they can’t control their own thoughts. My imagination was very explosive and violent yet on the outside I was silent and reserved. I presented myself in a way where if I was to disappear no one would notice. I think the idea of just disappearing and no one notices is comforting in a way where my absence wouldn’t impact others. I’ve spent my whole life trying to not be an inconvenience, staying quiet, not being in the way or having people go out of their way for me. Suppressing needs and wants, ever since I can remember I’ve had this feeling of being a burden and the aura that people dread being around me. I don’t know if I’m right and I don’t think I want the answer, I’ve come to realize that I’m a great filler friend, I’m great at keeping up conversations and asking about ur day. I can put the pieces of your broken heart back together with the glue made of my love, holding them together until the glue dries and starts the flake and you pick it off. When I don’t have someone to take care of I start to lose it, maybe it’s because all I saw growing up was my mom taking care of everyone but herself, she’d stretch herself thin then yell about it later. That’s the difference between me and her. She expressed what she felt she had to do and what was an inconvenience yet she’d still do it. I keep quiet, I keep the theatrics to myself and do what I need. Oh and she’s dead, I’m not. It’s backwards in my mind I wasn’t meant to make it to 15 and she was meant for this world. She was healing and helpful, yes she had her moments but once she knew she was sick she dropped her mask and she let herself feel for once. I feel guilt on occasion because I don’t have a purpose here, she did. Why am I here when she worked so hard to get where she was? I’m just a product of her, the sub version, she called me her “mini me”. I don’t know how to be her, or live up to her expectations, or her name. Maybe I am a danger to myself just not others.